10-minute read
Ever feel like you’re following a script that someone else wrote? Like your decisions, your schedule, even your dreams are shaped more by external expectations than by what actually makes you happy? If so, you’re not alone. Many of us spend years trying to fit into roles that were never really meant for us—pleasing others, chasing socially accepted milestones, and saying yes when we really mean hell no.
It’s time to snap out of autopilot. This guide will help you identify where external expectations are running your life, reconnect with what actually lights you up, and start making decisions like the main character of your own damn story.
How We Get Trapped in External Expectations
We start out life knowing exactly what we like and don’t like—kids are brutally honest about what they want. But somewhere along the way, we learn that people-pleasing equals approval, and before we know it, we’re making choices based on what sounds impressive, what won’t disappoint others, or what seems like the right move.
Signs you’re living for others:
-
You say yes out of obligation, even when every fiber of your being wants to scream NO.
-
You feel guilty whenever you put yourself first.
-
You suppress your real opinions or preferences to avoid rocking the boat.
-
You’re exhausted from keeping up with everyone’s expectations but your own.
Sound familiar? Time to break free.
Learning to Recognize What You Truly Want
Before you can start living for yourself, you have to figure out what that even looks like. What do you actually enjoy? What makes you feel fulfilled—not just what sounds good on paper, not what other people praise you for, but what truly sparks joy for you?
Ask yourself:
-
When was the last time you felt genuinely excited about something? What were you doing?
-
If no one’s opinion mattered, how would you spend your time?
-
What decisions in your life have been influenced more by others’ expectations than your own desires?
Getting clear on these answers is the first step toward reclaiming your time, energy, and happiness.
How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt
Here’s the thing: people who benefit from your lack of boundaries will not be thrilled when you start setting them. But that’s their problem, not yours.
Here’s how to start:
-
Start with small no’s. Don’t dive into the deep end right away. Declining unnecessary favors is a great way to flex that boundary muscle.
-
Accept that you WILL disappoint people. And that’s okay. Your peace is worth more than their temporary frustration.
-
Use clear, firm language. “I can’t take that on right now.” “That doesn’t work for me.” No need to over-explain.
-
Define your non-negotiables. What are the things you absolutely refuse to compromise on? Protect them like your happiness depends on it—because it does.
Homework: Your ‘Living for Yourself’ Plan
Want to make real changes? Grab a notebook and dig into these questions:
-
Where in your life are you making decisions to please others instead of yourself? (e.g., career, social obligations, relationships)
-
What’s one small thing you can do this week to start prioritizing your needs? (e.g., saying no, reclaiming a neglected hobby, making time for yourself)
-
If judgment wasn’t a factor, what’s one thing you’d do differently? (e.g., traveling solo, quitting that thing you hate, finally starting that project)
-
What three things make you feel most like yourself? (e.g., blasting your favorite music, getting lost in nature, creating something just for fun)
-
What boundary have you been avoiding setting? (e.g., limiting access to negative people, reclaiming your weekends, declining obligations that drain you)
Pick one action from your list and implement it this week. Small shifts lead to major breakthroughs.
Final Thought: Your Life, Your Rules
You do not need permission to live life on your terms. The only validation you truly need? Your own.
Yes, it’ll feel uncomfortable at first—breaking old habits always does. But the more you choose yourself, the easier it becomes. And before you know it, you’ll look back and wonder why you ever let someone else hold the pen to your story in the first place.
Start today
Pick one small way to live for yourself. Even if it’s just ordering the damn dessert instead of saying, “I really shouldn’t.” One choice at a time—you’ve got this.
References & Disclaimer
-
Brown, B. (2019). The Power of Boundaries. Harvard Review on Emotional Resilience.
-
University of California Study on Decision Fatigue and Autonomy (2021). Journal of Behavioral Psychology.
This content is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical, psychological, or professional life coaching advice. If you’re struggling with personal boundaries or mental health, consult a licensed professional.
